FEAR AND THE FINAL COUNTDOWN
So, I have 12 more days left here in Uganda before I return back to Canada. Only a week and a half. I've been here for over five months and my life has changed forever, in many many ways.
God has taught me so many lessons, lessons that will absolutely take a book to explain and make sense of. I know He is still in the midst of teaching me things right now, things I won't fully understand until a couple years down the road.
I'm taking responsibility for the welfare of a teenager.
I got engaged.
And now I'm looking at the next year or two and thinking, wow. Things are going to change so much. I guess that's a bit of an understatement, eh?
There have been many mixed reactions to many of the changes that have gone on in my life since I decided to go to Uganda again. This has in no way been an easy stay this time, but it has taught me so many things, and I know I am still being cared for by God, and He is teaching me to be independent and trust Him more. I feel like I'm coming into my own as a woman.
I have been a woman who has let fear rule her life - my whole life. There have only been about three decisions I've made in my life that were free of fear. That's all I can think of. And, in my mind, I know that I have nothing to be afraid of - God will take care of me if I trust in Him and give Him my life. My mind knows that. But sometimes my heart is a little bit slower. I know I'm coming to the end of one season of life, and seeing the horizon of the new one. And this Fear is a little like a comfort blanket. I hold it close to my face and feel it rub against my face. It's strange how something like Fear can turn into a comfort. But it's been with me my whole life. God is calling me on it - now 25 years old - to say, "Holly. Why do you still need Fear as a friend? Let Me lead you."
And I have to say, my fiancée has been an incredible blessing in this way. He has so much patience and understanding and encouragement for me when I can't seem to see outside of Fear. Fear is a strange thing. It lies to you and says you're alone when you're in a room full of people, and says no one could ever understand - that you burden others with your burdens and make their lives more difficult. It says you need to control everything and be in charge of the little and big things, in case someone messes up and everything goes wrong. Fear is the opposite of Trust. That is what God has been reminding me of. Trust.
Yeah, I have trust issues. And I'm going to admit that. I know every person on the planet has the same issue, in one way or another, although our issues are all as different as we are. But to the person who is reading this blog post thinking, "yeah, this is me," I say to you: ask God to remind you of who He is. And how He feels about you.
So as I am preparing to wrap up the next week and a half here in Uganda, I am trying not to be afraid of the future, or sad at the thought of leaving so many people behind that I love - and people who have become my family. But God knows what's ahead, and I know I can trust Him in all He does. He's a good Father. Sometimes with so many things unknown that's the only thing I can remind myself of.